Finishing up Lent was like leaving rehab. A few weeks before Easter I realised that we weren't going to be able to stay completely sugar-free. It's complicated. I already knew that both Greer and I couldn't eat too many salycilates, but then Abigail woke up one morning with the most hideous bright red nappy rash and I knew what it was. It was the honey they'd been eating every day on their porridge, the dates I'd been adding to the porridge, and the sultanas I was putting in those porridge muffins, not to mention the sultanas and cinnamon in the hot cross buns. Every natural sugar alternative is high in salycilates. (Except maybe stevia - I haven't figured that out yet.)
There's a reason that we had become so dependent on sugar, and it wasn't just the little quiet sugar addiction I had going on under the radar. Sugar is completely salycilate free. It contains no artificial colours or flavours, obviously, and it is completely neutral as far as Greer's asthma goes. Sugar is also an essential ingredient in most gluten-free baking, because it masks the strong flavours of the gluten-free flours. That pear cake I told you I made that weekend I decided to go sugar free, it takes TWO cups of sugar, plus one cup of pear syrup as well! But although that seems terrible to me now, I was so grateful for the recipe. Everyone loved that cake, and most people never even guessed it was gluten-free. So other than perverting our taste buds and filling us with empty calories, sugar was fine. Sugar was our friend.
That's why going sugar-free really was a revolution. To say "no" to sugar took a lot of gumption, and once I'd done it, as you know, I didn't want to look back. I felt amazing. I had visions of health and well being for all of us. When Abi woke up that morning with terrible nappy rash, my heart sank. We were not going to live happily off honey and sultanas forever after.
Interestingly, though, I had packed up all of our sugar and given it to Mum just the day before. The white sugar, the brown sugar, the icing sugar, the castor sugar and the golden syrup. I had smuggled it out without anyone seeing, and in the empty containers that were left I loaded up all the bread flours I had started using in the breadmaker. It was a good trade, and as much as I had to face the fact that some sugar was going to be part of our lives, there was no way I was letting all of it back in.
So this is where it stands. I am so scared of what chocolate can do to me that I don't think I'll be touching it for a very long time. The girls know why giving up sugar for Lent was good for us, and they know that as a family we now try to avoid it when we can. They like the muffins I've been making with only THREE TABLESPOONS of sugar in them. (If you'd told me three months ago that I'd be making muffins with only three tablespoons of sugar in them I'd have scoffed!) The pantry is now almost sugar free. After the nappy rash incident I added back in a small glass jar of raw, organic sugar. It's sugar, yes, but it's expensive. I won't be dishing up cups of the stuff in anything. The girls get a small sprinkle on their porridge, and I use it in the breadmaker and in those muffins. That's it.
I was worried about Easter. How can you do Easter without chocolate? How could I do Easter without chocolate? Then I saw some small Easter gift bags at the supermarket, and in a flash I knew I could do it. I bought a bag of dried apple rings, a bag of cashew nuts and a pack of Easter stickers. I bought the girls one tiny chocolate rabbit each, and I took one marshmallow egg each out of a bag I'd bought before Lent, and then gave the rest of the bag to Mum. I packaged up the dried apple and the cashew nuts, and tucked them under the chocolate. The photo doesn't really show how small it was. The rabbit was 35g of chocolate. I think we can manage that.
Me, this was my first Easter without chocolate. My first Easter in maybe thirty five years that I haven't eaten significant amounts of chocolate. I lived to tell the tale. I was tempted, but not tempted enough. There was no spare chocolate anyway. Once upon a time I might have sneaked some of my children's chocolate when they weren't looking, but this time they had so little that there was no way I would have gotten away with it!
But I got the jar of homemade strawberry jam my dear friend Amy had made for me for Christmas. I spread it thinly over cream cheese on a piece of toast, for the first time since before Lent, and I was happy.
I know a little bit about addiction. I know that for those who suffer the weight of an addiction, one of its worst curses is a self-hatred that's suffocating. Nobody feels good if they can't control their own behaviour. My little sugar addiction may have been small-fry amongst the hideous spectrum of addictions, but even still, I like myself better now. I can say no to sugar. I'm very proud.
Posts
