Empty Nest Syndrome Here

I've been Homeschooling ella since March. Homeschooling wasn't something I ever planned or even imagined I'd end up doing. In fact, I once said quite emphatically to a friend that I could never do it. But a year ago it came into my brain almost from out of nowhere, and I couldn't get rid of it. And the more I thought about it, and the more I read about it, the more I liked the idea. We talked a lot about it, and ended up deciding to give it a go. Kids don't have to be enrolled in school until they are six, so you kind of get a "free hit" before you have to apply to the Ministry for exemption from school. We thought we'd give the year a go, and then decide before she turned six what we'd do from there.

I was captured by a dream - of a family life where time together is not ruled by school hours, where holidays can be taken whenever, where learning happens organically - with the world as its resource room - the museum, the library, the zoo, the bush, the internet, family and friends, and all the good fun and exploring that happens when you hang out at home. But mostly I loved the idea of learning alongside her, and exploring the world together. And for 8 months that has been our life, more or less. Homeschooling was pretty much everything I hoped it would be. Basically, it made me happy. As cheesy as this sounds, it made me the mother I'd always wanted to be. And as far as ella was concerned, homeschooling was great. She was happy to learn with me, and would tell everyone from the dairy shop-keeper to the lady at the library that we were homeschooling. She loved the homeschooling classes we did, and the other families we met. And she got to do plenty of playing.

Then two weeks ago I decided we should start talking about next year. I thought I already knew what I wanted to do - continue homeschooling. But I found myself saying that we should be open minded in our decision, and look at some schools other than the ones we had looked at originally. And from there I found that suddenly I couldn't get school out of my head. Just as homeschooling had come from out of nowhere, suddenly School was doing the same thing. I found myself talking to ella about the idea of going to school, and although at first she said she wanted to keep homeschooling, pretty quickly she got quite excited about the idea of school. And I realised that if ella went to school, I would suddenly have the opportunity to have time alone. And I knew just what I would do with that time.

So Isobella is starting school on Monday. She is more than excited. As far as she is concerned, Monday can't come soon enough. I'm happy for her. But I'm also in complete shock at what I've done, and how quickly it has happened. I've cried a lot. You see, I think there are two women inside of me. One of them would be quite happy to be surrounded by her chaotic brood all day. The other one, the quiet one who doesn't ask for much, is craving an empty house. Right now I'm torn between them both, and wishing I could make them both happy at the same time. Maybe I can?