what's in a name?

I was born in Madrid in 1974, to kiwi parents who were "doing their hippy thing" and travelling around Europe in a combi. My father had moved with his family to New Zealand from England at the age of 12, and my mother was born in the Waikato, to an English nurse and an Australian retired soldier.

My parents had met in Raglan, where my mum grew up, and got married at the Unitarian Church in Auckland just before they went overseas. Mum wore a green velvet cape over a long tunic, and my father a cream shirt with pirate sleeves and a pink scarf for a neck tie. They split up when I was two.You could say they probably should never have married, that they weren't really in love, but then they wouldn't have had me, and that would have been a shame. So my mother, on marrying my pink-scarfed father, morphed in an instant from Miss Bath to Mrs Munn, and I, on that moment I burst out of her in that lonely delivery ward in Madrid, became a Munn.

And a Munn I remained. My mother didn't change her name back to her maiden name after her divorce, and my dear half-sister who came along a few years later simply joined in, becoming a Munn as well. Our tight threesome had the ease and respectability that came with bearing one name, and from memory Mum was addressed as "Mrs Munn." I never lived with my father, and didn't always see him regularly, but he was my Dad, and I knew that was what made me a Munn.

When I was thirteen my mother re-married. She happily took the name of her love, a man who wrapped her in his arms and completely changed our world. For a while we talked about him adopting my sister and I, something that at that age I couldn't really comprehend, except that I knew it would make Mum happy. When the legal process slowed down and then ground to a halt, I was quietly relieved. As much as I loved my step-dad, I liked my name, and I was my name. So a Munn I stayed.

When I had my first stories published my name became even more important. My identity as a person and as a writer was sealed by seeing my name in print. When I met Paddy and we got engaged I was so thrilled to be in love, and so caught up in the romance of creating a life together, that I didn't hesitate to change my name and become a "Mrs." I was sure of one thing though, that I would always remain a Munn for my writing career.

And so for the last nine years I've had two names, and in a sense, two identities. One, the family me, a respectable Mrs in a comfortable family unit of just over 2.4 children. The other a phantom identity more from my past than my present, of a wannabe writer, struggling to marry the dreams I had as a young writer with my very ordinary reality.

Then earlier this year I applied for a writer-in-residence, and had to send in a proposal and CV as Idoya Munn. It felt strange, and at first almost like I was denying my identity as a wife and mother. However I found that it actually made me happy to see that name come to life again, and it didn't feel like putting on another identity, or using a pseudonym. It wasn't just a name, it was me.

When our eldest daughter was born six years ago, I had intended on giving her "Munn" as one of her names. I liked the Spanish tradition of passing on the mother's maiden name to the children, and I've always been a bit of a feminist at heart.  When it came to making the final decision I changed my mind, for the silly prejudice of not wanting to give her a really long name. But earlier this year, as "Idoya Munn" became more and more real, I realised I'd made a mistake. I wanted the girls to be part of my life as a writer, and I wanted their names to reflect both their father's heritage and my own. So we decided we would change their names by deedpoll, and give them Munn as a third christian name. It felt right. They loved the idea.

In the months that have come and gone since then, I have become more and more confident and secure in this identity I have as Idoya Munn. To the point where I now feel more like Idoya Munn than the "Mrs" I became. And so it seems logical that I make the call.  Who am I?  Am I the respectable Mrs who has a shadow life as a writer, or am I a writer who happens to have a wonderful, supportive family?

I have come to the conclusion that I am Idoya Munn. I've been using Munn more and more over the last few weeks, and the more I use it, the more I like it. I think the time is coming when I will use Munn more than my married name, and I expect that one day, when I get around to it, I'll change my name with the bank and various other official places. It's a big change, in some ways, and yet in other ways it is no change at all.