me and the new year, part two

I am too tired. It is partly my own fault for staying up late all of last week. It is also just simply because I need a holiday, and this summer, well, for now anyway, we are not going to get one.

I’ve told you about bad days with the kids. I’ve told you about feeling grumpy and fed-up. I realised last month that I could see it like this. That’s why I called the other night, when I last wrote, a "fat caterpillar night”.

But there’s only so much eating a caterpillar can do. At some point that caterpillar has to take a break, go exploring, or hide under leaf.

Right now I feel hiding under a leaf. I just wish everyone would go away. This week Paddy has some days off, and I know exactly how I’d love to spend them. But just around the corner is the harsh reality that I could be looking for a job this year. So to the office he needs to go. There is work to be done on the new business we started last year, and on some ventures we are exploring. This isn’t just a hobby for him, this is about bread and butter. He lost some work about a year ago, and since then we haven’t quite managed to make ends meet. The thing that has been holding us together is a little silver card, and he just came into the room now and cut it up in front of me.

No more little silver safety net. Real world of real money here we come.

So why am I sitting here writing this sob-story for you? I’m writing because I’ve decided to. Those questions I told you about have given me a way to crystallise what I want for this year.

On New Year’s Eve I had a great chat with my friend Mels, and I found myself asking this question:

What two things would I like to do every day this year?

I knew almost instantly what my answer was; writing and exercise.

I can't survive if I don't write. It untangles my mind, translates my twisted thoughts and brings me peace, deep on the inside, like almost nothing else can. If I don’t do it, eventually the cracks start showing. When I prioritise writing, the rest of the day seems to fall into place and I feel like I am living my life from the inside out. This is how I described it in my journal at the beginning of last year;

“And if I really want to write…, then I will have to make some changes myself. This is a commitment I am making to myself… with my time, with my energy, with my head space... with the physical space in this house. It must all work together to enable me to stay committed to this one goal; to write. Is that like being single-minded? Is that the outworking of my longing to live my life from within, primarily, and then to live that inner-life outwards? For if I have nothing within, if there is no heart-life, then I have nothing to live out. I am all superficiality and no substance, all striving and no rest, all appearances and nothing real. In that, I am not being true to myself, and I am sabotaging the very thing I long for most – to write.”

It's not difficult for me to find the desire to write. Of all the things I could do with my time, after enjoying my family, writing is my all-time favourite. If I didn't have family commitments and could earn a living from it, I would write full-time. You've probably already figured this out. It's the reason I'm looking forward to getting old. But for now, my time is not entirely my own. Most of my time is taken up with mothering. I don't resent that at all but it means I have to fight for time to write. I have to make a conscious choice to do it. It doesn't happen otherwise.

I chose exercise for the second every day thing, because since Abigail was born I haven't done it at all. I find it very difficult to make time to get out for a walk. Silas is our family gym membership, not that he knows that. But I’ve made the intention to exercise do-able. Gardening counts, as does housework, as does Pilates on the floor of the bedroom!

After I’d asked myself that question, the next question seemed obvious.
“What would I like to do once a week?”

The answer to that one took a bit longer to think over, but something which almost never happens came to mind. I’m going to spend every Tuesday night watching a movie with Paddy. You could call it a date night if you wanted to but for some reason neither of us can handle the thought of doing a “date night”. Maybe it’s because we are non-conformists at heart, or maybe it’s because we both, nearly ten years later, see our marriage as the intersection of the lives of two individuals rather than a complete merger. So we won’t be calling it date night. But TV night sounds good. And it will be very good for us. It’s a shame I had to make an intention of it to do it, but TV is not my favourite thing, and I always feel like I’ve got a million and one things to be doing rather than sitting down doing nothing.

After that question, another one popped up.
“What would I love to do once a month?”

I wasn’t sure about that at first. But I found a dream rising from my heart. I don’t know if this is possible but I’d like to spend a day a month alone. It could be going to the library to research, going to the beach or the bush, or even going to the Franciscan Friary near-by for a retreat. Wherever I am my dream is to do as little talking as possible, to daydream, read, write and pray.

So that’s enough about me, what about you? If you asked yourself the same questions what would your answers be?

1. What two things would you like to do every day?

2. What would you like to do every week?

3. What would you love to do once a month?

Think about it...