me, heels and the new year

So here we are looking at 2011, all shiny in its newness and barely unwrapped. How does it feel to you? In our corner of the world it is hot and dry and the sky is clear blue. Perfect for dreaming under. I’ve been thinking about the year, flicking ahead through the pages of days in my mind. Wondering what shape those days will take. Just like I did last year.

I’ve got a few ideas, as I always do. But this time they feel more concrete, more practical. I’ve got a word too, and again, it’s very practical. I didn’t have to go searching for this word. It was waiting for me. But before all that, a story.

I was a bridesmaid for my good friend Allie at the beginning of December. It was a wonderful wedding. Allie looked gorgeous, and she and Glen were completely chuffed with each other. Isobella and Greer were very lucky to be flower girls. They were the first of the bridal party, and they scattered rose petals on the ground in front of us. I was worried that Greer would freak out at the last minute. After all, she's only four. But I needn't have worried. Greer was fine. It was me I should have been worried about.

You see, I'm not a heels girl. When it comes to fashion, comfort is a high priority for me. I've long passed the stage where I would sacrifice comfort for fashion (and that stage never lasted long for me anyway!) I like my feet to feel good in the shoes I wear. They do an excellent job of carrying me around and I respect them for that. I've also got scoliosis, so my back is crooked enough without the rest of me being thrown forwards by the effect of high heels. When it came to choose the bridesmaid’s shoes I was hoping we’d find some nice flats, but in the end, heels were what we ended up with. The silver ones you see above, next to my obliging feet. Cute.

The wedding was outdoors, on a beautiful early summer’s day. As the bridal party we had to make our way from the function centre down across sloping grass to where the guests were seated, then down the aisle at the centre of the seats almost to the edge of the point, overlooking black sand and faraway surf. It was magical.

Back to the shoes. Cute? On someone else's feet they were. On my feet they were a recipe for disaster. Those shoes had to carry me, wobbling, all the way down the slope, on grass, with eighty pairs of eyes watching. This is where you sigh and say “come on, you were only a bridesmaid. Everyone was just waiting for the bride.” But you don’t understand. I cried during the wedding practice. I did! Hidden behind my sunglasses were tears of pure distress. Distress at the very real possibility that I could stumble on my way down, and distress at my inability to be the kind of girl who sashays around with ease on heels. That afternoon, the afternoon before the wedding, I had to decide whether I was going to crumble or fight back.

You know which it was. I’m a fighter, no question. I got Paddy to buy me some heel-grip inserts, got some tips from the girls, and told myself I could do it. And that was my mantra for the next twenty-four hours. It was my mantra as I practised alone during the morning as we were getting ready. It was my mantra as I stood waiting for the cue to begin my descent. It was my mantra as I walked the long walk down the slope to the front of the guests. And I did it. I didn’t enjoy it, but I did it.

I won’t be signing up for any more heel-wearing opportunities in the near future. I think I’ve done my dash with those for now. But if the necessity ever arises again, I know what I’ll do. I’ll grit my teeth and I’ll do it, because I know that I can.

And it’s with that same raw determination that I’m looking 2011 in the eye. I’m very aware of my short-comings. I can see exactly where 2010 did not measure up to the dreamy ideals I envisioned last January. 2010 definitely had its moments. I could put it simply by saying I’ve got plenty of growth potential! But I’m ok with growth. I’d rather suffer a bit of discomfort than let status quo reign.

What about you? When you face your equivalent of wearing heels in front of a crowd, what will you do? What will you tell yourself this year when things get difficult? Will you be satisfied with the status quo to save yourself a bit of pain, or will you grit your teeth and fight back?

Think about it. And then come back in a few days. I’ve got some questions for you. Questions I think you are going to like. Questions that you might just find you have answers to already, somewhere inside you. And there’s that word too...