I know I've written this before, but I'm very tired. We are at the end of two weeks' school holidays, and it has been lovely having the girls at home, but a bit too busy for my liking. Somehow the days turned into a blur of social visits and errands. And added to that, I've developed a bad habit of staying up too late. It's not a winning combination!
Tomorrow we are heading off to our church camp for the long weekend. The girls are beside themselves with excitement, and we'll have a great time. But I have to say that the thought of spending all weekend with large numbers of people just makes me feel even more tired.
It's taken me nearly all of my life to admit that I really am an introvert. I used to think I was an extrovert. I'm pretty outgoing and I love people. I remember at one point a long time ago thinking "why would I ever want to sit in a room by myself and write?" Now I'm in no doubt at all. All I want to do is sit in a room by myself and write!
I read this post at Conversion Diary about being overwhelmed and it made me think back to the days when I couldn't even recognise let alone understand my emotional state. I've experienced exhaustion and burnout more than once. For me, they have always triggered depression. But even though I had helpful counselling each time, I never recognised that part of my exhaustion was related to my introverted-ness. I was an introvert living like an extrovert and it was almost killing me.
Now I get it. I'm tired right now, not just because I've been staying up too late, but because I just haven't had much time to myself over the last two weeks. In the past this feeling would have had me worried that I was doing too much, and the feeling of wanting everyone else to go away and stop talking to me would have made me think I was on the road towards burnout again. But now I understand, that feeling is simple. It just means I need everyone else to go away and stop talking to me!
In her post about being overwhelmed, Jenn at Conversion Diary describes the emergency "burnout gas mask" steps she takes as soon as she starts feeling overwhelmed. I like the idea of having steps that I have already thought through and default to automatically as soon as I start to feel really tired or overwhelmed. These would be mine. As in, I should be following them right now.
1. Quiet.
2. Sleep.
3. Write.
4. Time alone.
Unfortunately not all of these things are completely within my control. I'll have to ask for help. But I know that if I don't, I'll only feel worse. It's a no-brainer really.
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Hi Doya,
ReplyDeleteI just wrote a reply but lost it because my internet connection is not so great here in Australia. So I'll be brief in case I lose it again (in more ways than one).
I know exactly what you mean - I am atypical introvert, classic profile. But I'm also social and like people. The difference between introverts and extroverts is largely where they do their thinking. Extroverts like to think out loud, introverts don't.
I'd also like to venture another possibility for your tendency to feel overwhelmed when you have alot going on and 'too busy' is echoing in your head. This is that you may also be 'highly senstive' (I don't want to make any assumption so please correct me if I'm wrong) but this is a well studied psychological trait that exists in about 15 percent of the population. Also the animal population as well. The sensitive horse in the herd will be the one that senses danger first and alerts all the others.
People who are highly senstive take in vastly more sensory information from their surroundings (including light, sounds, smell, other people's moods). This is tiring stuff! So sensitive people need their down time so they can re-fuel so to speak. Those who are not highly sensitve can do a full day at the mall, go have dinner at a noisy restaurant and then ask 'who's up for dancing?'
Sometimes I've thought that I might quite like to have my time over as someone not highly sensitive because it seems altogether so much easier...but, there is an amazing richness of experience that I would quite likely miss out on. Many of the most creative, musical, artistic people would probably be highly sensitive - so where would we be without them? Its something to value in yourself, but also worth understanding.
Leonie
Oh I know that tired feeling too well. I frequently find that when Monday comes I need to retreat and have a day where I just let the kids run wild while I either clean the house or try to read and think. Especially if we've been very social over the weekend and have done anything with Dom's family. Except for him they are all extroverts and a big, loud Italian family. I love them but I really do get overwhelmed. Especially as they all have a habit of starting conversations with me and then getting distracted and not finishing them. Holding all those unfinished thoughts is so frustrating for me.
ReplyDeleteMy problem is always that with four small children sleep and quiet time alone to write are in tension. I can only find the solitude I crave to sort my thoughts out in words when the kids are in bed. So I find myself burning the midnight oil when I really should be sleeping because I need the quiet to sort out my thoughts before I can relax enough to sleep.
Leonie - that's a really interesting idea, and I've been pondering it all weekend. I understand the very sensitive temperament when it comes to children, but I honestly had never considered it could apply to adults. I don't know why! I think you are onto something, and it might explain why there are some loud background noises (especially TV) that I just can't tune out, and find extremely draining. Thanks very much for putting this out there... do you have any links or books you could recommend?
ReplyDeleteMelanie - Ah yes you know what I am talking about! It is so draining being on the go with kids all day, and I know all about "burning the midnight oil" instead of sleeping because you really need to "sort my thoughts out in words." exactly. My in-laws are mostly extroverts as well, always talking over each other in loud voices... I just sit back and listen... I guess it's a bit of people watching for me. Have you read "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron? I know it's been around for a while, but it does have some good ideas, especially morning pages. I don't always do them, but when I do, I'm so much the better for it. Of course I have to get up before the kids to do that... which requires going to bed early! it's a frustrating cycle.
I'm interested in the highly sensitive idea too. Maybe there's something there. I wonder if there's a connection between being an introvert and being sensitive or if they are two different traits that sometimes overlap?
ReplyDeleteI can't stand too much background noise. I never have the tv on except to watch a particular show and it drives me nuts when they are on in the waiting room or bar or restaurant. I sometimes play music while I'm driving or cleaning or cooking. Never while reading, I can't focus. And when there are people talking and music playing and I'm trying to work I get overwhelmed and have to turn off the music.