about today

This is today. Paddy got home this morning from his last ever overnight shift. I woke up just before he finished and turned all the Christmas lights back on in the lounge and wrote him a sign that read "welcome to your future." Because that's exactly how it felt. 

He's been working overnights for five years. That's five years of living as if he was flying across to the other side of the world every week. Five years of being tired, five years of rejecting his natural body rhythms, five years of living against the grain.

For me it's been five years of only ever getting a sleep in when we're on holiday, five years of being sole charge at night several times a week, five years of being awake when my husband is asleep, alert when he's tired, tired when he's alert. Five years of going to bed at different times, every night. 

Now I'm not saying five years is a long time, but I am saying that any amount of time living like that is long enough. 

Do you remember what the last day of school felt like on your last day of school ever? I do. I remember walking up Howe St to K'Rd with my friend Jenny. The sun was shining, and we talked like we were heading off on the adventure of our lives, life. Like we could go anywhere and do anything, as if anything was possible. That's exactly how a girl should feel at seventeen. But at thirty-seven? Today I felt as close to seventeen as I have since I was seventeen. Today was life beginning all over again.

Except this time I don't need anything to be possible. I just want my life. Our life. The one inside me, the one that's been patiently waiting for me all this time. It never rested on anyone else, but somehow, with life opening up for Paddy like a wide gate to the world, I feel like life is opening up for me too.

Today five years ago my step-dad passed away. I wrote about him last year and those words are still truer than true. He'd be so happy for us today. He'd think it was wonderful. He'd want to hear all about our plans, the businesses we are working on, and the contract in the pipeline that could make next year a lot easier if it happens. He'd be so proud.